I am too much. I am serious. I am intense. I am relentless. I am okay with all of it because I remember my old life. I remember living in sadness. It was so long ago but, it stays fresh in my mind every day. Every day I am grateful that I live where my feet are now. I got here because I never gave up. I have been relentless in my pursuit of being healthy (on all levels) for 26 years.
I think a handful of people know this about me but I changed the spelling of my name when I was 16. I was born Jessica, I wanted to make a distinction between my past and my present. I wanted to draw a visible line in time and start over hence the “K”. I was ready and willing to put in the work, I had a ton of work ahead of me, I had no clue how much. I was fortunate to have a team of people who believed in me and helped me every step of the way to become the person I am now (my sanity is questionable but I am happy, really happy). I think few people anymore have the resources that I had available to me at the time.
Why am I telling you any of this when I don’t even know you? Because it might help you. Depression is a killer and I want to help. I have to try. Why are so many people suffering in silence? How frequently do you hear that people are shocked when they find out that someone they know committed suicide. In order to actually commit suicide someone has to be literally dying inside for a hell of a long time. How does nobody know? Why do we feel ashamed to be so sad?
A 17 year old boy who I ADORE posted about his depression on Instagram last year and I was floored by his bravery. I was astonished at his honestly as I read his post. I wish I could have been that brave when I was his age. I wish I had read a post like that from one of my peers when I was his age. At the very least I wouldn’t have felt so alone. So that’s why I am sharing my story because I have lived 2 lives. Both are completely separate. Today I am the person I always knew I could be but I couldn’t reach it. I cant believe I am writing so much personal stuff in a blog but maybe it will help you to read it. If it doesn’t help you maybe it will help someone you know, so share it.
Depression doesn’t have to kill us and we shouldn’t be silent. We aren’t alone.